| What do us right-minded conservatives | | | | everlasting memorial to the man who |
| and those Beaujolais-drinking, | | | | breathed life into me. And think of the |
| terrorist-appeasing, Yalta-forfeiting | | | | farts! Too indignant. |
| liberals have in common? We're all going | | | | After the cremation, I got down to |
| to die sooner or later. Showing respect | | | | business researching the different |
| for the dead can come in many forms, but | | | | suspension lift kits on the market. I |
| I've figured out how I'm going to pay | | | | looked into Fabtech, Superlift, |
| homage to my kith and kin. I'm going to | | | | Trailmaster and Rancho, but I was |
| immortalize them by lifting my | | | | weirdly drawn to the Skyjacker lift |
| Silverado. | | | | kits. It's hard to explain, but I could |
| Ben Franklin, that crusty old crawdad of | | | | almost see my dad's smiling face in the |
| American Democracy, may have been | | | | profile of the cast iron steering |
| bright, but does that mean that his | | | | knuckles. The connection I felt was so |
| maxim about death and taxes is | | | | strong that I even tried to get in touch |
| unquestionable? Not entirely. Grover | | | | with someone over at Skyjacker about |
| Norquist and the other patriots down at | | | | having some of my father's remains |
| the Americans for Tax Reform offices are | | | | injected into the Platinum 9000 Shocks I |
| hard at work doing away with the tyranny | | | | was going to get. No one seemed to take |
| of the IRS. However, not even the tag | | | | me seriously. It's probably for the |
| team efforts of Newt Gingrich and Leo | | | | best, though. Who knows what kind of |
| Strauss could eliminate the natural act | | | | havoc those little bits of bones might |
| of bucket kicking. Faced with the | | | | reek on the wafer valving. |
| unavoidable specter of death, the | | | | The installation took a couple of days, |
| question that all of us must ask | | | | but that's because I was trying to work |
| ourselves is how should we mourn the | | | | as reverentially as possible. For the |
| passing of our loved ones? Crying is | | | | finishing touch, I broke out my Dremel |
| unavoidable at first. I'm not ashamed to | | | | and etched my dad's name, Ralph, into |
| admit that I bawled an oil-drum's worth | | | | the crossmember. He'd have been damn |
| of tears the day that the Gipper left us | | | | proud. And on the maiden voyage, I drove |
| for that big movie set in the sky. But | | | | my mobile memorial over to the lakefront |
| what comes next? | | | | promenade for a couple of laps. Thanks |
| When my father passed, I couldn't get | | | | to the 5" of extra ground clearance, |
| out of bed for three days. I just laid | | | | hopping the parking lot curb was child's |
| on my side sobbing and my only | | | | play. Even on the stairs leading down to |
| nourishment came from Nutella and | | | | the walkway, the shocks didn't fade or |
| Gatorade. One idea kept running through | | | | foam out. It was like dad's spirit was |
| my mind as I was holed up-I couldn't let | | | | buttressing my every maneuver. |
| my pa be forgotten. When I re-emerged, I | | | | I am a man who thrives on tradition, and |
| knew exactly what I could do to | | | | I plan on championing this new custom. |
| immortalize my old man. I would lift my | | | | For example, I really could use some |
| rig in his honor. Sure, I could have | | | | steering stabilizers and a set of desert |
| donated a marble bench in his honor down | | | | tires, and I have a couple of ill aunts |
| along the lakefront promenade where he | | | | out on the East Coast who I'm sure would |
| used to love to stroll. But I couldn't | | | | appreciate being venerated in my |
| stomach the idea of all those strangers | | | | chassis. Everyone wins. |
| plopping their rears down on the | | | | |