A Guide to Nascar for Redneck Women

In order to understand the culture of the redneckquickly grew to the giant it is today.
man, it is necessary to understand the mostToday's NASCAR, industrialized and streamlined and
Southern of sports: NASCAR. It's more than just carswatered down for general consumption, is only a pale
driving in circles at high speed, punctuated by theimitation of the free-for-all madness our bootlegging
occasional crash; it is an integral part of the modernancestors first drove.
South. In order to really understand both, you mustNASCAR Rules
know where NASCAR came from and why it exists.While the first NASCAR stock cars were completely
History of NASCARunmodified stock cars, the same ones you'd buy off
NASCAR (the National Association for Stock Carthe lot, today's cars are modified according to strict
Auto Racing) really started back just beforesafety and performance rules.
Prohibition, when hillbilly moonshiners up in theThe rules in NASCAR are both simple and complex.
Appalachians found out that the revenuers' cars wereDrivers in the top 43 of each race accumulate points
fast enough to get the jump on them. Illegal stillsaccording to a set system. Cups are awarded
started getting busted, and shine makers startedaccording to who has accumulated the most points in
going to jail. Instead of buckling, moonshiners moveda set group of races. The Sprint Cup (usually just
their stills further back into the woods and down incalled the Cup, as it was previously the R.J. Reynolds
the hollers, and they started using cars.and the Nextel Cup) is the big prize, and is awarded
When Prohibition came into effect in 1920,after a set of 36 races. Other smaller cups are
moonshiners started looking beyond outwitting theawarded for other groups of races, and each major
tax-collecting revenuers and toward shipping 'shine torace has around $4 million total in prize money
the cities for real profit. Gangsters - Pretty Boyawarded for that race alone.
Floyd, Baby Face Nelson, Capone - started makingPoints in the major races (but not all NASCAR races)
contact with these good ol' boys to see if they couldare awarded not only to the race winner but to each
get a steady supply of alcohol for their speakeasieslap leader. If you've led at least one lap, you
and other businesses. And young men, usually theautomatically get five bonus points; if you lead the
sons or nephews of established moonshiners, startedmost laps, you get an extra five, for ten bonus
working with stock cars to get the 'shine to town aspoints total. Points go to the driver who started the
fast as possible.race (replacement drivers get nothing) and to the car
These, our redneck forefathers, modified the carsowner. Races are generally prefaced either by
they ordered from magazines or purchased fromqualifying trials or by heats, small races that get the
fledgling dealers in towns to run faster, harder, oncrowd warmed up but don't count toward prizes.
rough and smooth surfaces. They experimented withStarting order is determined by qualifying time.
using 'shine as a fuel for a boost in speed, andThe track, once started, is slowed down by yellow
invented many of the tricks used today in NASCAR.caution flags for fender benders, spills, etc.; if
Junior Johnson, one of NASCAR's earliest legends,something catastrophic happens, the red flag will
spent years running 'shine for his father usingcome down to stop the race until wreckage can be
scampish tricks later mimicked by Burt Reynoldscleared. Green flag means everything is fine. And in
characters and the Dukes of Hazzard. He inventedmost NASCAR races, you'll see drivers pull off for at
the famous bootleg turn, the 180-degree spinoutleast one pit stop; the pit crew works fast to fuel,
sending you careening in the opposite direction, thatcheck, condition, and change tires because the time
is used in nearly every movie car chase today, andin pit counts against your time on the track.
later as a NASCAR champ discovered how to "draft"A NASCAR Date
another driver to increase his own speed and reduceSo now you have that redneck sweetheart and you
fuel consumption.really want to impress him? Set up a date for one of
NASCAR was officially born in 1948, a merging of thisthe smaller NASCAR races, with barbecue and and
wild redneck tradition with the more upscale Grandchips for your refreshments. Beer is a must, and for
Prix racing imported from Europe, in which mostlythat special touch, ask your liquor store for some
concept cars and special sports cars were raced.'shine, which should be drunk straight but in
William France, a racing mechanic, had a notion thatmoderation. Dress any old way you want, park him
stock cars would draw crowds in America, and heon the couch, and let him explain all the finer points
incorporated NASCAR in Daytona, from which itof the race to you while you both enjoy the race.